Circles

Where the Sunbeams End: Chapter 13

Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash

As I began trudging through these heavy memories, letting myself drift into the darkness, someone came into my life. Lost in the sea of my subconscious, she is a bright beacon of light, reminding me of where the shore lies. 

I am no longer frightened by what my past might mean for my future. Jeannie, you remind me the present is the only place where we truly live. 

I think now I can push on and tell my story. No matter how dark it may get.  

~~~

I slid down the dew soaked bank and then crossed the railroad tracks when my stomach dropped. For a brief moment I imagined that I could make it back to the 7-11; the only bathroom available out here at this hour. 

This moment quickly passed as my stomach dropped again. As I sat with my ass near the dew soaked blades of grass, sweat dripping down my forehead and into my eyes, my only thought was ‘damn that Mean Bean Monster!’ 

Here I was shitting near the railroad tracks back off whatever road that was, near the industrial side of Winchester. I could see a traffic light in the distance flash from red to green, along with lights from various plants, warehouses, and distribution centers. 

Nothing to wipe with. It was a long walk back towards Route 7 and into Clarke County. My ass cheeks were gonna be rank and raw by the time I got home. 

I wandered down the road. I passed the jail on my left, and briefly contemplated what life must be like on the inside. Unaware that I’d already spent time locked up. What is the difference between spending time in jail and spending time in a psych ward? Which one’s worse? 

I was keeping a brisk pace and soon I was back amongst brighter lights, shining down from shopping centers and fast food joints. I was on Route 7 now, crossing over I-81. Route 7 was too busy for my liking, I wished to be a passing phantom, just another shadow of the night. I took a side road that would take me out further into Clarke County, close to our country home. 

When my stomach dropped again I briefly thought I would knock on the door of the house to my left, but then quickly shit in a ditch on the side of the road. “What a night,” I whispered to myself. 

The townhouses faded past, only fence lines and pastures now. Cows chewing the tall wet grass, the sun peeking above the treeline. The sound of the rooster’s crow. 

I crossed Route 7 and hopped the rail into the ditch. Stomping through tall grass and overgrown weeds, wearing nothing but thong sandals. Finally I walked up the gravel drive and then past the house. Looking back through the kitchen window I saw Dad and Judith, still up, arguing it looked like.  

I grabbed the collar of my shirt firmly and ripped it down the center. I threw this balled up piece of cotton at the window before storming down the back steps. 

Judith met me at the back door. 

“You went home with her, didn’t you!”

I was coming out of the bathroom at Piccadilly Brew Pub when Meredith and her friends stopped me. 

“Well this is a bit awkward,” I said. 

I’d run into Meredith only once since the phone call from Crossroads. The phone call where I was finally able to admit to her that I had not been completely faithful during our relationship. It was a small gathering at Bobby’s house. We had mostly avoided each other, except for a brief moment of acknowledgement, our eyes locked in mutual understanding. 

“It’s only awkward if you make it that way,” her friend Jessie responded. 

“Well, I’m here with my wife, Judith. And she’s definitely a little drunk,” I said as I peered back towards the crowded barroom. 

“Your Wife? Well, why don’t you introduce us?” Insisted Jessie. 

“Yeah, I guess so. Sure.” 

I wanted to believe in true love. Is that really why I did it? Is that why I asked her to marry me? It’s certainly what I told myself. 

I think it was really the breaking up of my parents though. I’d seen it coming for years, but that doesn’t mean I was prepared. Mom had started getting sober. And started seeing Dave. 

“I’m kinda doing my own thing now Peter,” Mom had said.

“Mom, honestly I can’t be involved with your life anymore, I can’t worry about what you’re gonna do.” 

“You don’t know how much that means.” 

I was confused. Not the response that I had imagined. I’d done my best to keep the family together. Tried to control something that was far out of my control. In the end, my breakdown and hospitalization was probably the push Mom needed. 

There was no ceremony, not really. Just the two of us and the old woman who lived next to Handley library. She walked us through the vows and then we left. Married. I didn’t really even tell my family, I just started to refer to her as my wife. 

I had my moments of doubt. I still remember pacing in the garage, talking to myself, trying to decide whether to call and break things off. 

“She’s too stupid, too emotional.” 

And what about all the baggage? Her kids, her unresolved trauma. 

The father of Judith’s daughter, her first love, had tragically died in a car accident. It was only months after Sierra’s birth. His name was Tony. They were teenagers, just young parents trying to figure things out. There’d been a fight and Tony had left. Judith never had the chance to talk with him again. The father of her son Tristen had left her for his secretary. And Judith could no longer have kids, I’d always pictured a family of my own. 

I asked myself if I loved her. I told myself that I should show her the kind of love I wanted. True love. If I’d been more mature I would have also asked myself if I was ready to step into the lives of so many. 

I still don’t really know why we got married, it’s easier to just write it off as another manic decision. I guess I thought that it was special, but really it was probably just the sex though. 

I introduced Judith to Meredith and her friends. More drinks were downed. Judith put on her best front, but I knew that she was well past her limit. And to be fair, so was I. 

It gets especially blurry for a while. Then Dad was there to pick us up and Judith had made a scene. I remember a cop. Judith was claiming that Dad and I were keeping her locked up like a prisoner in the basement. It’s when I walked away. 

At first I just walked. My phone had died. Then I thought I’d go to Mom’s place. That wasn’t really an option though. I was drunk and hadn’t really been on talking terms with Mom for awhile now. Plus, I didn’t know exactly where she and Dave were living. Then I got lost in downtown Winchester, just stumbling drunkenly through the streets. 

Finally, I recognized where I was as I came to the 7-11 that stood in front of the bowling alley. ‘I guess I’m walking home’ I thought to myself. ‘I could use a pick me up, how about one of those coffee flavored Monsters!’