Disorder

Short Story

Photo by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash

It took both of them by surprise. But it was a pleasant surprise, the kind of surprise that, if you’re lucky, life throws your way from time to time.

As Peter eases the green Subaru down the narrow street of the neighborhood, the houses tightly packed together to his left and right, he sees her on the lawn just ahead. She smiles, waves an arm, and then he’s 19 again. It’s summer.

~~~

Standing, one arm leaning on the rack of DVDs to his left, Peter stares across to the girl at the register. She doesn’t return his gaze. Her name was Beth. Her brown hair flowed smoothly around her shoulders, her tight khaki pants fit just right, and her bright smile and hazel eyes threw Peter into excited daydreams.

It had only been a few weeks prior that Peter had ended things with his girlfriend of over three years. In truth, Peter didn’t really know what he was doing. She loved him and he loved her. He told himself that he needed a break. Needed some space to figure something out. She figured it was another girl.

It wasn’t. Not really. At least not any specific girl. But curiosity is probably what drove Peter to end it. Single felt good, but as he returned from school that summer to work at Circuit City his eyes quickly fell on Beth.

“Can I stay here tonight? Mom’s a bitch, we don’t get along.”

“Yeah, that’s cool. Don’t want you to get in trouble though.”

“It’ll be fine,” Beth said with a smile.

They laid closely together on the brown couch in the basement of Peter’s parents place that night.

They fell in and out of sleep. She let Peter touch her, his large hands caressing lightly. His right hand stretches up the front of her shirt, gently cupping her large breast and then groping at her tiny nipple. Then Peter stopped. Not that she objected with words, but she was so still. And it really did just feel like groping at that moment. He needed a small gesture, something to assure him, and when it didn’t come he felt cold.

He did very little else, but think about Beth. Infatuation.

He’d go for his daily run and her face would be there in his mind’s eye. He no longer felt hungry. And he’d find himself continuously visiting her mySpace page where Dashboard Confessional blared out the new single, Stolen. Was that song about him? Would she return his message?

She let him in through the back door of the basement to her mom’s place. It was just a five minute drive down Route 7. A little neighborhood right across the Clarke County line into Winchester. It was a little basement bedroom, he figured it was a guest room, the vibe didn’t quite match Beth’s so he doubted it was her bedroom. But maybe her mom was just as strict and controlling as Beth claimed. But Peter couldn’t imagine her living in such a bland bedroom, where were all the band posters or lava lamps? The T.V. was on playing some rerun and Beth had Peter by the hand. Then she jumped into his arms, wrapping her thighs around his waist. Peter stumbled over to the bed with her still tightly pulled to his chest.

They kiss briefly, but it’s not right. Something is awkward. He sets Beth down on the bed and tries to lean in again, but again they’re out of sync. She lets him out the back door and the cool dew soaked grass make his thong sandals squeak in the midnight air.

He felt just a bit of relief when Matt from work confronted him.

“Pete, you know Beth and Greg are together, right?”

“Oh…No, I didn’t know that, but I understand. That’s cool.”

He felt happy in a way, he liked Greg and thought it almost made sense. But in the deeper parts of his being there lives a voice which asks, are you even a man?

But then Jill asked Peter if he’d like to go hiking. Jill worked with the older woman Pat, who was in charge of the CD collection and video games. Peter had started with Pat, helping organize the discs, finding various discs for customers, plus trying to thwart shoplifters. Peter had moved up to selling cameras and computers. Jill would waltz over to his section, hips swaying, and flash her smile, her blonde hair bobbing.

They stopped halfway through the hike up the winding path to Bear’s Den overlook and sparked a bowl. Peter knew right away that this was the good stuff. Not the seedy brick weed his friends would get. They reached the top and took in the view of the valley, the Shenandoah river snaking off in the distance.

Peter was enjoying himself, Jill was cool. This buzz was cool. But then Peter lost his cool when Jill brought up the topic of sex on the car ride over to Olive Garden. It continued into the restaurant. It wasn’t just bringing up sex, but Jill made it clear that she wanted to fuck now. There was no reason to not be upfront about it. Now Peter was super high and he’d never known a girl to be so forward. It didn’t compute. He just wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t do that.

How many guys has she slept with?

Then the paranoia crept in. It didn’t help that the waiter returned with Peter’s debit card claiming there were insufficient funds. Peter scrambled through his wallet looking for his most recent ATM receipt. He felt stoned to the core and could feel his cheeks get hot, everyone must know I’m out of my mind.

Peter was relieved the bill was paid thanks to an old gift card, plus a bit of Jill’s cash for a tip. He turned down her advances that night, but couldn’t push her away completely.

She never gave up.

Jill lived in Stephens City with her parents. She had a young daughter who would refer to Peter as peaches.

That first night her parents were mumbling and stumbling, drunk off wine and vodka. Jill snuck Peter up to her room, before laying a blanket down on the carpeted floor. The bed would be too loud. There was nothing awkward this time when they embraced. Not like with Beth. Jill made Peter feel wanted. Lips and tongues thrashed. Peter began how he usually did. Making his way down slowly, before showing off his tongue’s little tricks. As a young teenager he’d found a book on his parent’s shelf. The book had beautiful black and white drawings and deep explanations on how to perform different acts of love for your partner. Peter’s eyes were mostly drawn to the pages on how to pleasure a woman orally. He’d read through that part the most. He was always confident in his oral abilities, but lacked that same confidence when it came to his cock. So he was somewhat surprised when Jill stopped him early, pulling his head back from her clit, and asked to be fucked.

It was Jill’s daughter, the way she’d say, “Hi Peaches!” The subtle way she’d ask Peter to grow up for her sake, to love her mommy, and to stick around.

It was all too much and by the end of that summer Peter was begging his girlfriend to take him back. But the damage had been done. Sometimes the road comes to a fork and you’re forced to choose your path, and although Peter often questioned the road he chose to go down, he’d finally come to a place that once again felt like home.

~~~

Peter brings the old green Subaru to a stop and Bella, the white and black spotted chihuahua, begins spinning in anticipation on the back seat. As he reaches for the door handle he looks up into those soft inviting eyes, familiar eyes. They’d met that same summer at Circuit City, not as potential lovers, but as friends. But it was their love as friends that would carry them through the years of searching. Searching for someone to love, desperately wanting to feel love, and when both had given up, life brought them back together. To Peter she felt like home, felt like destiny.

She knew Peter before the disorder, probably better than Peter remembers himself. That same year Circuit City closed for good was the same year he first fell into psychosis. She helps him remember that he isn’t his disorder, bipolar doesn’t define him, and he is worthy of love.