In Too Deep
Where the Sunbeams End: Chapter 23
I often still wonder if things would have gone differently had we not lost my grandpa and uncle at such a crucial time. For me personally, their deaths represented an end to an era, one where I still felt in control of my future.
Grandpa Ross, Mom’s dad, was one of my favorite people. He was a businessman, a successful architect from Pittsburgh. But to know him you’d think that business was the last thing on his mind. In my eyes, far before being a businessman, he was a family man. And he loved his grand kids, my brother, sister and I.
Some of my earliest memories are from their home on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, sitting on Grandpa’s lap helping him mow the grass. The tractor, as I called it, was white with green trim. That “smoke stack” which puffed gray fumes as it sputtered to life. I’d hold on to the wheel and continually push down the red button, which would let out a loud honk as we made our way through their large yard.
Grandpa had designed the additions to the house himself, that place was special. He was special. So when he passed, I felt somewhat lost and unsure. I never quite realized how much Grandma and Grandpa Ross had supported our family, both financially and spiritually. He died around the time of the Great Recession, and then we lost my mom’s brother Dave shortly after.
I often think my inability to deal with the grief of losing those two, plus the struggles between my parents, led to my first bout of psychosis. I simply snapped under the weight of it all.
Grandpa had left me his car, the red Acura. It was the only thing I owned, but when I wrecked Judith’s car, my brother Ray had it down in Wilmington, North Carolina. During one of my more depressed states where I had no job and was hopelessly recovering from a manic episode, Dad had given it to Ray. I hadn’t been driving it, it was just sitting in our gravel driveway. Ray was actually working hard to make a future for himself, working towards a life in professional soccer. However, Judith’s Toyota was our only vehicle, so after totaling that, I felt obligated to take back Grandpa’s red Acura, even though I knew I’d be putting my brother in a bit of a bind.
~~~
Dad wasn’t happy, but he bought me the bus ticket to Wilmington and dropped me off at the station. I hadn’t been admitted to the hospital this time, but there was no doubt I was in the midst of a psychotic episode when I wrecked Judith’s car. I started taking my pills, but not as the doctor prescribed them. I was taking them as needed.
It was dark when Dad dropped me off at the station and I climbed aboard the crowded bus. I asked a young blonde woman if I could sit and was surprised to find she had a British accent.
“You’re from London? Have you ever been to the Emirates Stadium!?” I inquired excitedly.
She nodded yes, but I could tell she was uninterested in conversing with me further, so I left her alone the remainder of the ride.
I hadn’t brought a book or even any music to listen to, so I sat quietly with my thoughts and tried to sleep.
The bus driver became infuriated about halfway into the trip, when he accused a group of people in the rear of the bus of drinking. The group played dumb, but were eventually removed at our next stop. To be fair, the group was not making a scene or anything and I questioned the sanity of the man behind the wheel. Ironic, I know.
When I climbed down the steps of the bus, safely in Wilmington, and then saw my brother’s face I pushed down the familiar emotion of guilt. Truth is, I didn’t want to take the car back. Truth is, I was doing it because I didn’t know how to leave Judith. I felt I was in too deep. Truth is, I did love Judith, but we were no longer in love. More like roommates and great friends, than lovers. But when I saw my brother’s face I felt as if I was choosing her over him. And that didn’t feel right.
It wasn’t a long stay in Wilmington, I would be turning around that very day and driving home. My brother seemed to understand about the car. He didn’t seem angry with me or anything, which slightly helped matters. But I still wasn’t fully out of the throws of psychosis.
We shared some words back at his apartment, just catching up. I’m not sure why I decided to pop two Depakote as we stood on the balcony. Maybe I wanted to show him that I was taking my medication, but really I think I was hoping the Depakote would drown away my guilt.
It was about an hour into my return trip when I began feeling overly drowsy, no doubt due to the pills I had taken.
“Let’s not wreck two cars in one week Pete,” I muttered out loud.
I pulled over and picked up some coffee and cigarettes before continuing up the coast, back towards my home in West Virginia.
~~~
Grandpa’s car got us to and from work over the next few months and my accepted application to Kraft Foods seemed to patch over the cracks between Judith and I. I was to be hired in the warehouse as a material handler, or more simply put, a forklift operator. My time at the Home Depot had turned into valuable experience and there was tangible excitement at the prospect of me bringing in more money.
We said goodbye to the red Acura the day of my first real shift at Kraft. Judith and I went up to the Nissan dealership before work, trading in grandpa’s car for a brand new Nissan Versa, which I let Judith pick out. Judith didn’t have a license due to racking up some DUI’s in her younger days, so the purchasing of the car fell on my shoulders. But with both of our incomes we were able to finance the Versa and once again it felt like a new beginning for us. Maybe we weren’t in love, but we’d go down this road together, for better or for worse.