Where the Sunbeams End

Part 2

This is part 2 of a paid subscriber post. Thanks to all of you who support my work through reading, likes, comments, and of course your hard earned cash.

If you’d like to upgrade to a paid subscription I’d be beyond grateful. It really does help push my writing and this page forward.

As I’ve reached what feels like a half way point in my ongoing fictional memoir, I’ve begun to dream about a physical copy down the road. We’re still a ways off from bringing that dream to fruition, but as a paid subscriber you truly support that book one day sitting in my hand. And your hand as well. I plan on sending out as many free copies as I can to my paid subscribers. I’m thinking a kind of raffle for everyone who literally made this dream come true. But yes, I’m getting ahead of myself. Gotta get back to the writing. Thanks again though, for all the support and for helping me dream.

~~~

Around 15 years ago I was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s quite the trip, having a doctor tell you that you have a mental illness. I’m still coming to terms with it today, still learning what it all means and how to live with the symptoms.

Where the Sunbeams End is my attempt to continually heal. It’s a search through my subconscious, through old memories and the dark corners of my mind. Certain memories linger and haunt me. What do they mean? Is there a way to figure out this bipolar mind? Is it possible to learn from these chapters of my life? What is mental illness?

This whole project has been one big experiment, not just from a mental health perspective, but a writing perspective too.

I’m attempting to tell a very real story, but it’s funny, the things we remember. I get the feeling that what we remember isn’t always what happened. But it becomes our truth. In a way, this story is true, in a way it’s completely fiction.

Over the past year I’ve been slowly releasing a chapter at a time, letting my readers come along with me as I write out my story.

But as I’ve gotten deeper into the writing and become more experienced I started to think about what the finished product would look like.

One day down the road I’d like to have a physical copy of this story. A real book that I can hold in my hands. Which brings me back to this post you’re currently reading.

Obviously this is not the physical copy, but it’s as close to format and style that I could get to. There have been edits made, mistakes corrected (still probably didn’t catch them all), while still staying true to the story that you’ve hopefully been enjoying.

The most obvious change is the lack of chapters. There are still page breaks and I believe you will find this version to be more reader friendly. The format more closely mimics how it was for me to sit and let memories drift through my mind.

I’ve reached the end of part 2 in what I imagine as a 4 part book. This is part 2. I hope you enjoy.

Although the chapters have been omitted, there is still a kind of soundtrack taken from the original chapter titles. Enjoy some music below. Thanks to all the musical artists who I no doubt stole inspiration from.

Photo by Markus Splisser on Unsplash

Where the Sunbeams End

Part 2: Starlight 

By Peter Smetanick

“I don't know where the sunbeams end

And the starlights begin

It's all a mystery

And I don't know how a man decides

What's right for his own life

It's all a mystery” - The Flaming Lips

~~~

As I began trudging through these heavy memories, letting myself drift into the darkness, someone came into my life. Lost in the sea of my subconscious, she is a bright beacon of light, reminding me of where the shore lies. 

I am no longer frightened by what my past might mean for my future. Jeannie, you remind me the present is the only place where we truly live. 

I think now I can push on and tell my story. No matter how dark it may get.