Simple Questions: Meditation and the Written Word

Personal Essay

Photo by Sierra Keat on Unsplash

It all began again while out walking with my best friend Bella.  It was late spring or early summer when the weather was ideal for a long walk.  Bella is a small Chihuahua who doesn’t do well on a leash, but down South Loudoun Street we strolled with Bella tucked snuggly into a kind of dog purse.  Her head bobbing along with each step I took.  Quite the sight to behold, a large, bearded man with a small dog strapped to his hip waltzing toward the Old Town Mall in Winchester, Virginia.  

On these memorable hikes through the small city of Winchester I would often plug my ears with headphones and listen to the voice of Alan Watts put to relaxing music.  I believe it’s called chill step.  Watts was a writer, speaker, and “philosophical entertainer.”  He is most known for interpreting Buddhist, Taoist, and Hindu philosophy for a western audience.  The music mixed with Watts’ lectures helped relax my mind on these walks with Bella, which gave me clarity and certain basic questions began to arise from within my subconscious mind.  Questions as simple as Who are you? and What do you want to do?  I am a writer and I want to write.  

For over ten years I had put aside my writing and tried to ignore the creative itch inside me.  I can remember being a young student and excelling in my English and language arts classes.  As a senior in High School, I began to really enjoy writing especially when given creative freedom.  I attended Radford University where I studied English and secondary education with the goal of becoming a High School English teacher and soccer coach.  Unfortunately, in my senior year of studies I suffered from a mental break and was eventually hospitalized where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  This was certainly a key moment in my life as all my goals and dreams seemed lost.  I decided not to return to Radford and my writing life ended abruptly.  I struggled to keep jobs or choose a career path.  I was married and eventually divorced.  I relied too heavily on my family for support, and I spent more time in hospitals due to my struggles with mental illness.  I should mention that I also had the time of my life, made great friends, learned new skills, and fully experienced life as a blue collar American.  

I remember returning from one of our walks and stopping dead in the gravel driveway.  A bit of sweat hung from my brow.  At this moment I realized that I finally felt ready to not only dabble in the craft of writing once more, but that I was ready to finish my degree and return to university classes.  I felt relief.  For years it had felt like I was drifting without a plan or purpose, but on that beautiful day with Bella at my side and small rocks digging into the soles of my shoes, I was reborn.  It’s difficult to nail down what exactly inspired this Eureka moment, but somewhere along my short journey I had found my dreams once more.  

I slowly began the process of applying to Shenandoah University.  I had come to realize that although I felt the urge to write, I was struggling with where to start.  I still did not feel ready to dive into the novel that has been sloshing around my head for over ten years. I needed some guidance, so I put faith in the faculty and students at Shenandoah University.  With some help I knew I would be able to find a path back into writing and finally finish my degree.  

At Shenandoah University, I studied English with a minor in writing.  The first semester back in academia was positive, but I also struggled to adjust.  I often felt out of place because I am much older than most other students, but I do feel like I brought a valuable perspective to each of my classes.  My courses gave me direction for my writing, but I must say it has been difficult to rediscover an efficient writing process.  The words have not always flowed with ease, and many assignments took longer to complete than anticipated.  Writing cannot simply be equated to sitting at your computer and typing.  For me there is a whole organic process that goes into writing, and I have tried to simply give myself over to this process.  

A new adventure at Shenandoah led me to a newfound love for poetry.  Although I studied poetry a bit during my time at Radford, and have always had an appreciation for poetry, I had never put my creative efforts towards crafting a poem.  Learning about the different elements of poetry and trying to incorporate them into a concise piece of writing has been a pleasure.  Writing poetry has opened so many creative doorways and offered me the chance to reflect on the world around me, as well as a past haunted with highs and lows.  Poetry has turned into a form of therapy for me.  I feel regret looking back at all the times that poetry could have saved my sanity had I tried putting down words to describe my experiences, emotions, and feelings.  But poetry can be so much more than therapeutic and as Stephen Fry suggests, poetry is a primal impulse within us all.  

Many of my first attempts at poetry were based out of exercises included in Fry’s book “The Ode Less Travelled Unlocking the Poet Within.”  Although I did not continue through the entire book, Fry gave me an introduction to writing poetry, especially understanding meter.  I found the exercises to be engaging and Fry’s book helped me to realize that deep down I have been yearning to write poetry.  

The beginning of my poetry writing endeavors was filled with excitement and pleasure as I came up with lines written in the famous iambic pentameter and other variations of meter.  I enjoyed sharing my poetic attempts with a group of peers who were kind enough to give me positive feedback.  At first it was thrilling just to get the chance to write creatively again, but soon I would realize that writing a good poem that speaks to your reader is no easy task.  

My studies of poetry led me to a poet named Charles Bukowski (1920-1994).  Bukowski was a prolific writer and poet who has had an important influence on my writing.  Especially his poem “My First Affair with that Older Woman.”  Bukowski’s speaker recalls a relationship with an older woman and reflects on the effect the woman had on him.  This particular poem resonated with me because not too long ago I was married to a woman 9 years my senior.  This poem brought up old memories and emotions that I had not felt in quite some time, which inspired a few reflection type poems of my own.  These pieces represented my first attempts at writing open form poetry that was not based on a writing prompt or exercise.  

However, the most impactful piece of writing from Bukowski that I encountered was a poem titled, “So you want to be a Writer.”  I imagine professional writers who have read this poem feel it contains terrible advice for a writer.  The poem begins, “If it doesn’t come bursting out of you / in spite of everything, / don’t do it.” 

While attending school for English and writing it is surely not the best advice to only write when you feel inclined.  But I believe that Bukowski does capture my experience with writing.  For years I put down writing and tried other things, but there is now something inside me that is awakened.  Something that is dying to be let out. 

Before Shenandoah I had written next to nothing for 12 years, and although I admit that I have labored to keep up with the writing requirements of a student, writing is still something I enjoy.  I am slowly understanding that on a personal level it is a requirement.  I don’t have to necessarily share or publish my work, but I must write, if only to make sense of my world.  And when I do feel lost, or when the dreaded writer’s block sets in, I know what to do.  I strap Bella to my hip, plug Alan Watts into my ears, stumble down the steps and onto the gravel driveway, and meander towards the Old Town Mall in search of that place in my mind where those simple questions arise.